In preparation for today's commute I decided that proper planning dictated I ram my head into the edge of a wall hard enough to cause a wallboard burn. This is similar to a rug burn but with the wallboard texture used to apply the friction. The jury is still out on its effectiveness and I'll report back if it has positive impact.
One of my all time favorite comedy routines is Bill Cosby talking about his trip to the dentist. At one point in the bit he acts out the experience of trying to explain that there is smoke coming out of his mouth from the drill. Of course the problem is that his face is so numb that he can't pronounce the words. I've heard him do this bit more times than I can count and I still laugh out loud.
Driving down the road I'm always on the lookout for cars with their windows down. Whether I'm passing them or they are passing me one experience taught me to be weary until the danger has subsided. Some of you likely know where this is going but for those it's never happened to I'll tell my version of this story.
Some time ago I had a Cosby-esque experience on the freeway. Not with a dentist however, but another commuter. I was driving in the center lane and a midsized pick up began to pass me on my right. As his rear bumper became even with my grill the driver tossed a lit cigarette butt out the window. It's one of those moments that your memory records in slow motion. I'm doing 63, he's going 67, I see the projectile deploy from the other vehicle. It flips several times; smoke trailing while it stabilizes its flight profile. Spotting its target, my windshield, in my mind's eye I can hear the targeting sensor beep slowly at first but quickly cycle to one piercing steady tone. The single staged rocket motor kicks in and the Camel Filtered Guided Missile tracks for my car. I attempt to perform evasive maneuvers but I'm blocked at all sides so I deploy counter measures and begin to pray.
The lit cigarette hit my windshield and defying all the physics at play drops down into my engine compartment. Smoke starts to trail up into my view and I begin yelling "Smoke! Smoke! *expletive deleted* Fire! *expletive deleted* *expletive deleted*" I am forced to make an emergency stop on the freeway. So here's the tough part. Do I wait and hope that fire was simply my imagination or do I pop the hood and find out. When you have an engine compartment fire, opening the hood is probably the worst thing to do. You essentially feed the fire more air and make it angry. The best response is to step back and wait for the Firemen to show up and put it out. Either way, if there's a fire under there chances are your car is a goner.
It was my younger days and I wasn't terribly attached to common sense in any meaningful way and I popped the hood. Fortunately for me the offending item had lodged in a spot that wasn't terribly flammable and everything that was feeding my panic didn't come to pass. That being said let me assure you that my story isn't always the case. There have been plenty of motorists lose their cars to this problem.
I'll skip right by what makes smoking seem like a good idea, but what is it that makes discarding a lit cigarette out of the window seem like a good idea to people? I see this happen almost daily. Every summer the medians burn up, forest burn down, property is destroyed and lives are risked and lost. On the few occasions I've talked to people who do this their response freezes me to my knee caps. "I don't like filling up my ash tray". It's always some form of not wanting to pollute their space in some way. Yup, that's right, torch the rest of us, but hey at least their personal space is tidy and that's what really matters here.
I'm not much of an environmentalist. I think a good part of the ideals behind "the movement" are misguided at best and at worst an easy distraction that lets people ignore more serious problems (like hunger, disease and violence). When I lived in Renton I had a hippie van go by my house each day. In that neighborhood we only got a small bin for paper recycling and when that filled up I would take the mounds of trash that arrived in my mailbox each day and toss it in the covered garbage can. One day Cheech or Chong's wife brought the Nice Dreams mobile to a screeching halt and began to lecture me for tossing paper into the landfills. I had two questions for her before I walked away. "Have you considered protesting about the unsolicited garbage the Postal Service is allowed to deliver to us? Wouldn't it be better to stop the garbage from being printed and shipped instead?" That of course might actually necessitate my neighbor to get involved in a way that required them to invest more than the 20 seconds a day she spent yelling at people like me. In fact, it might actually mean they had to really get involved.
Ok, that aside I am a believer in being a good steward of the land and people who litter make me furious. People who throw objects on fire drive me biting-my-shoulder-barking-bat-weasel nuts. I know the fines have been increased, and I know policemen who gladly write tickets for the offenses. Yet we still have roads covered in trash and smokers who think the world is their ashtray. Here's a thought, perhaps we can add a little activity related penance to those fines. How about all the ecology clubs and people doing community service who pick up trash from the freeways collect up their findings. Then we take people found littering come by and for say two weeks fill their car with the fruits of their labor and drive around with it? Too much? Eh, well, I guess there's a reason I'm not drawn to working in the justice system huh?
Don't drive angry! Drive weird!
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